I am the sub ruler of Oceania and Asia for my friend and ruler Bradshaw the Bastard. This land will now be known as Bàradur, The Land formerly know as Australia will now be know as Morodur. The Himalayan mountains is now to be known as the dark realm.

Electricity will be banned, apart from in my castle. Clean water will be provided by three taps per hundred thousand people. Fuel will be available at the rate of £50 per Kilogram.

A selection of Buddhist monks who live in the dark realm will be given anything that they desire.

Subjects are not to enter the dark realm under pain of death by elephant dung.

Any subject who complains of these conditions will be sent to Antarctica to work for Higgs the Humpalott. One in every three complainers will be beheaded for fun.

All of my subjects are to be tied to the following laws. Anyone caught breaking them will have their genitalia eaten by gerbils with no anaesthetic, and will then be allowed to die of blood loss. Anyone suspected of breaking the law will be suspended by their pubic hair for a period of 24 hours over a vat of acid.

1. Thursday will now be the holy day, known as the 'Sabbatt of the Goat'. Every subject will made to dress in the intestines of a goat and parade through the streets shouting 'All hail the goat. Ruler of us all forever more.'
2. Every Monday I will be awarded two blonde virgins over 16 but under 25 years of age. I shall get rid of my Monday morning moods by first defiling them, then having them cooked for my breakfast.
3. Everyone is my slave, you will do what I say, when I say.
4. No one may flirt or sleep with any woman who I find attractive. If you are suspected of this your genetalia will be removed, fried, and then you will be forced to eat it.
5. No one may use cutlery to eat food. If you are found to be using cutlery then your food will be shat upon, and my court and I will watch you eat the cutlery and the shit in front of us for entertainment.
6. The only religions now allowed are those of Satanism, Paganism and Buddism.